#251: The Rainbow Barons

(Displayed above: one of the most successful Rainbow Barons, Mr. Seamus McSpudhigh IV. Roughly to scale.)

     Okay, this one's pretty long, so I'll just skip the prologue and get straight to the good stuff. Here's my new character (or characters, more accurately): the Rainbow Barons! Where do leprechauns get their gold? It's a question I doubt you've ever pondered, but one so obvious now that I've pointed it out. Did they win their riches through high-stakes gambling just for the thrill? Are they really the glorified beach hobos of the Emerald Isle and acquired their stash via their trusty metal detectors? Well, I, as a self-proclaimed 98.2% accurate source, just so happen to have my own explanation. So gather 'round the metaphorical campfire, friends, and let me tell you a tale. A tale of capitalism. Our bite-sized green grumps actually earn their gold coins, and originally did so through the shoemaking bizz. It was a modest income, sure, but leprechauns are frugal folk, so they made a decent living. But as time passed by, there came a day when peddling kicks just wasn't cutting it anymore. The economy was changing, and those no-good shlubs the Clurichauns weren't helping either with those loans they'd never repay. But then, a few leprechauns heard through the grapevine that the humans yonder west were working on a little something-something called transcontinental railroad. And the leprechaun community just so happened to have undisputed ownership over a little something-something called rainbows. An idea hath taken shape. And after some nifty business semantics I don't care to lull you to sleep with, that idea became a multicolored reality. Those few--and eventually many more--lucky lep's stepped into the future of business as the Rainbow Barons, turning rainbows into the essential source of transportation for mythical creatures everywhere--as well as a SUPREME source of pot-filling riches to this day. Speaking of, here's a tidbit for you: modern leprechauns have OUTGROWN pots o' gold. They keep all earnings in offshore Swiss bank accounts, for convenience and to make certain we pesky tall folk don't catch on. Cue "The More You Know!"

JACOB'S CHARACTERZ! FAN ART REDESIGN: ANT-MAN (HANK PYM)

     Look alive, summer-y chums. A new character is definitely on the way and will likely be published tomorrow morning, but in the meantime, here's a dandy piece of Marvel fanart I made a while ago and never got around to posting. The traditional Hank Pym Ant-Man happens to be included in my imaginary Fantastic Four Movie Universe as a side character and sorta colleague of Reed, so I figured I should give him a good sketching as well. I think I got a tad carried away, but I'm still proud of it. PS, there's no way of telling for you folks, but just so you know, underneath that mask is most definitely Alan Tudyk as Pym. Of this I am sure.

(Quick coloring job via my pal Photoshop.)

#250: Andy Underoo

     Alright, two pieces of news. First, a few days ago was my promotion to HIGH SCHOOL! That's right, I'm in the belly of the beast now, folks. Smack dab in the epicenter of the storm known as the teen years. There's no heading back. Am I ready for this fruit preserve? We'll find out August 29th. Second, the sis and I watched Batman & Robin yesterday. Needless to say, we need a good week or so to fully regain our senses. And then watch Batman Begins. Now, onto the character! I present to you, Andy Underoo! The agency known as U.N.D.E.R.O.O. had a hard time scraping together a proper supply of young recruits in the 1960s. In other words, the hippies happened. That's right, the JC-Verse had them, too. So, down on their luck and in dire need of agents to help handle the UFO epidemic of the era, what did the government joes at the top conclude? Exactly the conclusion you'd expect from government joes at the top attempting to understand what makes college-age youngsters tick: something that completely doesn't make them tick. Which, in this case, is a cartoon mascot. That rhymes. So, much like a swift, near-preposterously perky ninja that strikes in the night, "Andy Underoo" quickly became just about the most familiar face to anyone involved with the oddity-investigating agency, whether they liked it or not. The latter being much more likely. As it turned out, their spirited campaign to force Andy-brand propaganda into the sight lines of potential recruits ended up making the youngsters even less hyped to sign up. As a result, the mascot and his musings took on new life plastered across seemingly every inch of each U.N.D.E.R.O.O. HQ, actively acting as the bane of all agents' existences for decades to come. And giving way to tons of humorous mocking mockups of his likeness, sketched and past around by bored agents at briefings. The content of which I can't share. Because most of them were really crude.

(Andy Underoo himself, featured on one of his signature '60s-era reminders placed at every headquarters.)

104 DAYS OF SUMMER VACATION AND JUST HOW I PLAN TO SPEND IT (SING TITLE OR NOT AS AFFECTIVE)

     That's right, folks. The sun is a-gleamin', the air is most certainly a-steamin', and ol' Jakeypants over here has the freedom to post something at 2:18 PM on a Thursday. Summer vacation, everyone. *applause* This is my first official day of vacation and may I just say that this, in my humble opinion, may be the summeriest summer ever to summer. But really, only time will tell. Anywho, you may be asking yourself, "Jacob, what do you plan to do this summer? Catch some bangin' waves or embark on a squatch hunt, perhaps?" Repent my sins, dear friend. That's what I plan to do. Because in all seriousness, this blog has been getting the shaft as of late due to the majority of my daily brainpower being drained via end-of-the-year school before I even get a real chance to post anything. So, with my metaphorical plate cleared for the next 3-ish months, I'm going to have a ton of time to get my creative crud together again and tend to some major projects that I've been working on-and-off on for a while. I'll still stay mum on what exactly those nifty projects are, just so I don't get anybody's hopes up if I don't end up completing them all. But nevertheless, I promise this summer vacation is going to be pretty intense around here, and to start things off, I just so happened to end my 8th grade year by writing a tie-in JC-Verse news article about our buddy Sebaster for a writing assignment. I reckoned that I should get posting it out of the way early, on account of the fact that I'm not going to want to bring up anything related to the S word again until September. Enjoy, friends!

(Part 1)

(Pt 2)

#249: Redcap

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ART AND STORY ARE A BIT FRIGHTENING AND INTENSE. IF YOU ARE UNDER 12 OR JUST EASILY SPOOKED, I SUGGEST YOU SCROLL ON DOWN TO SOME OF THE OTHER POSTS. PARTICULARLY THAT FABULOUS VAMP DOWN THERE AT #247.
     Okay, now that that bit of caution is out of the way, time for my new character: Redcap! I don't expect all of you to coincidentally be experts on English Border Folklore--or to, you know, spontaneously search mythical creatures on Google for inspiration like yours truly--so I'll catch you up to speed. Redcaps are murderous dwarves/goblins/elves/fairies/gosh knows what else, depending on who you ask, that are said to have hung out in abandoned castles on the England-Scotland border. They sprint like caffeinated cheetahs, and if you decide to step foot on their turf, you have about a .78 percent chance of not meeting a pikestaffy demise. Also, they apparently dye their namesake caps with the blood of their prey, so . . . alrighty then. Well, these little monstrosities just so happen to have a modern day counterpart roaming around JC-Verse England. He definitely isn't into the whole blood-dyeing notion, but as far as agility/killing levels go, the redcap title is well-earned. After taking part in a massive breakout at Facility-7, a high-security lockup for dangerous Fantastical Lifeforms located outside London, this former prisoner decided to put his psychotic skillset to bad use under a new persona, ripped right from a creepy old wives' tale. Equipped with a rusty mask that blends all too seamlessly with his real mug, as well as a noticeable level-up from a pikestaff, the nutcase currently known as Redcap spends his time taking on the prey with the biggest bounties placed on their heads, as well as whoever he feels deserves it, such as our old chum Ultimate Hyde. A resounding squat is known about where he got his enhanced speed, or about pretty much anything else regarding him, but at least one thing is for certain: with him, you'd be hard-pressed to find where the monster ends and the person begins--assuming that point exists. (PS, shout-out to the various comic book characters that offered bits of inspiration for this fellow. Now, you guys go get all that blood-dyeing and pikestaffing out of your head for the night. Listen to some "Rainbow Connection" or something, I think you need it.)

( . . . And yes, that is a blood-spattered Jack Skellington antenna topper on the end of his ultra-pike. There had to be something to lighten up this post a little bit.)

NICODEMUS AND THE TRUTHHUNTERS (or "The Unexpected Virtue of Troller's Guilt")

     Howdy! Hello! Guten Tag and greetings to all. Sorry to anybody who was hoping that this would be a new character, but I took 5 from all that noise to bring you something a bit different today. Presenting Nicodemus and the Truthhunters! I have a bit of an infatuation with all that "lost media" jazz. I love cartoon and general pop culture, and I have a fierce love/hate dynamic with mysteries and conspiracies of the interwebs. I see this as a nice middle met between the two. So, starting a few months ago, I thought I was gonna be a real Sly Cooper and somehow prank the internet by starting the rumor of a 2002 Cartoon Network show called "Nicodemus and the Truthhunters" that featured the Illuminati, and was scrapped in production due the real Illuminati getting ticked off at the show's portrayal. (Don't judge me. Web theorists believe more absurd things, I can confirm.) Months past by and I finally got around to making a faux-concept poster for the thing and . . . I ended up liking the way it turned out too much to use it simply for chat room tinfoiler fuel. Plus, in the end, I did feel troller's guilt. I didn't want to get poor speculators' hopes up too high over nothing if I actually managed to pull it off. And thus, I've decided to put it to good use on the blog. Hopefully it was worth all this blabbing. PS, just so I don't totally confuse you all, I'm including a summary of the series below the picture. If you have any other questions I don't answer in said summary, feel free to comment and ask!

    Nicodemus, a young resident at the Abadene Family Institute for the Orphans, has always been fascinated with mysteries. Without nearly any information about where he came from, he practically is one. But after he is targeted and left for dead outside the Institute by a pair of menacing strangers, it's the truth that saves him. Nicodemus is rescued by the Truthhunters, a group of investigative adventurers set out to uncover the secrets of the world around us. Made up of the enigmatic Mr. Kratcher, his bright teen daughter Lisa, and Poing, a flying alien and warrior, the team takes a liking to Nic, and decides that whoever those strangers were targeting him, he is best off under their protection. Excited--and a bit frightened--by the possibility of what is to come, Nicodemus joins the Truthhunters as they do their duty taking on odd conspiracies, investigating strange places and getting ever closer to unraveling the biggest mysteries out there. But if they keep digging, could the truth be too frightening to believe?

JACOB'S CHARACTERZ! FAN ART REDESIGN: SUPERMAN

     Helping those in need is a great way to take part in society, friends. And as far as I'm concerned, after what ol' Zacky Snydz has done to him over the past few years, Superman is someone in need. So, I've decided to do my civil duty and contribute a decent, more traditional redesign of his Kryptonian garb. Here's hoping that we can all do our parts and work together towards a better cimematic tomorrow for our buddy Supes. Completely Irrelevant Guy approves this message:

Dang, this man is irrelevant. Look at how irrelevant he is!

#248: Bennorin and Mallarin: The Universal Forces

CLICK TO ENLARGE

     Alrighty. I've finally made it over the proverbial mountain of hardcore year-end testing. I've seen Civil War and had my spirits rejuvenated by Spidey's awesomeness. I am officially ready to get back into the groove of regular blogging. I would've gotten this post done earlier, but I had to wait on acquiring some paint to properly bespatter these characters into existence. Presenting Bennorin and Mallarin! The creation of the universe is a pretty open-ended deal. Witnesses are kinda MIA so far, and the closest we can come by are those dinosaur fellows. You can try getting something out of them, but they don't seem like the type to chat as of late. This is the same way with the JC-Verse's conception, and while there have been many proposed answers throughout the history of JC-Earth (my nifty new term for the JC-Verse's version of planet Earth, just so you know), the native folks of the Chauwá Starsystem have come up with a pretty eliquent genesis tale of their own. Here's an English translation. *ahem*
    There was a being by the name of Bennorin. He is known to the living as Good. Bennorin was simply a cloud amongst the stars of space: he was large, and jovial, and above all, passionate about creating. He had nothing but time on his hands, and tons of space, so naturally, as an artist, he used both as his mediums. Time and space. He also created something called matter, which he spawned into being in the forms of all sorts of things, including all shapes and sizes of creatures. Bennorin was happy, and with no other force more powerful than him to set boundaries upon him, he had total creative control. Until Mallarin showed up. Another large cloud, rigid, clawed, yet prideful in the way he glided through space. They spoke.

Who are you? said Bennorin.
Your ignorance humors me, scoffed Mallarin. I am Mallarin. But I am known to them as Evil.
You are known to the creatures?
I was created by the creatures, silly being, Mallarin said. I grew in their hearts like algae and, as time went on, consumed many of them. Their birth may be yours, Bennorin, but their lives are mine.
Bennorin said nothing.
Enough of that. I am here to fight you. To challenge you. I am strong, and healthy now from feeding on your weakened ones. I am ready for complete control!
Bennorin continued to hover in silence. He nodded.
Okay then. We may fight. But not with physical blows. With souls. Let us fight for the souls of the creatures. They are my young, but now you say they are yours. Let us see who is right.

. . . And with that, they began. They fought, and fought, and fought, an endless dual for the living and their souls. Why has such a determined Mallarin not won to this day? This is because Mallarin thinks he can win; his goal is to do just this. He is prideful, and hungry for control. Bennorin already has control, and has since the beginning. It is barely anything to him. He doesn't even wish to win. He wishes to protect. To keep his creatures safe from darkness. He loves his creations, and this is why he fights Mallarin, and will for as long as time goes on.

Phew. I can't speak on how accurate this popular little extraterrestrial fable is to how the JC-Verse really got its start, but it's definitely my personal favorite explanation so far. PS, special thanks to my all-knowing, planet-hopping compadre, ol' #100 himself Doug for lending me a short English rendition of the tale from his personal inventory of intergalactic tchotchkes. In case anyone was wondering, he's doing dandy these days. Taking up an anti-gravity tai chi class, doing Sunday bowling with his buddies from the 4th Dimension, etc. Over a century old and still in fine fettle, gotta love the guy.