#269: Pitchy Sesquipedalian

      Salutations! Aloha! Other way of saying hello! I was supposed to be gallivanting across L.A. with my dad today while my mom and sis were at Cookie Con 2017. The whole deal ended up getting switched to tomorrow, though, so today I'm essentially free to be the lazy son-of-a-gun my weekend instincts compel me to be. However, my desire to be productive/inner Phineas Flynn overpowers those instincts, so here we are. Alrighty, let's get to the character. Ladies and gents, Pitchy Sequipedalian! Sucky rappers are in no short supply. In an imperfect world, it's only logical that not every tape that is mixed, nor every rhyme that is spat will truly be "fire." And all you have to do to tell the wannabes from the real deal is to give said rhymes a listen, yes? Maybe in this universe, pal. But in the JC-Verse, one such sucky rapper found a way to cheat that system. Unsuccessfully peddling his tapes on the streets of San Juan Soso, California without a penny to his MC pseudonym, Pitchy Sesquipedalian was dismissed by many people as a hack/con/certifiable loon. Those people happened to be right, but that's besides the point. Because, one fateful evening at Scratch-Daddy Stan's Discount Record Rental®, he stumbled upon something tucked inside a circa-1994 Bombästic Cräftsmen album: a wrecked sheet of paper detailing the "Incantation of Enticed Ears." And just like that, he went from delusional wannabe rapper guy, to delusional wannabe rapper occult practicioner guy. Using the spell to endow his cruddy mixtapes with hypnotic powers, Pitchy became the Pied Piper of putrid rhymes, drawing in a devoted fanbase of listeners/worshiper regardless of the quality of his verses--and now, he intends to bring his work to a larger audience. What that could mean, we can only fear.

(Fun fact: that little trinket hanging from around his neck is a broken old handheld PlayPal from the '90s. He found it abandoned in an alley way and thought it make a great "statement.")