#271 & #272: Kelsey Preez and Asper Ushe: The Disappointment Twins

     I'd like to preface this post by saying that the art style of today's characters is ever-so-slightly inspired by the snappy illustrations in my Spanish textbook. Not my favorite class, per say, but gotta give credit where credit is due. Shout-out to you, ¡Adelante! Uno by Vista Higher Learning. Kudos for breaking up the hard stuff with stylistic sketches of cheery Spanish-speakers. Props. Now, without further ado, I present to you the Disappointment Twins! *ahem* For years upon years, they've been an enigma. Documented reports of their attacks have been slim, and claims have rarely matched up. A handful of details, however, have remained consistant: deathly pale skin, sullen expressions, unrelentingly sarcastic demeanors, and varying degrees of flannel. As well as their names: Kelsey Preez and Asper Ushe, or as they've been fittingly deemed, the "Disappointment Twins!" Urban legend has it, these omnipotent punks have been burdening people with aggravatingly lackluster luck for over two decades. Some say they're disenfranchised demigods from the god of mischief Loki's brief marriage to a barista in Seattle. Others say they were once average 13-year-olds until they were put under an eternal curse for their disrespectful tones by a black cat in a cute little witch's hat. Regardless of their origins, the duo have become infamous for dragging people down to their levels of irritability by force, and they seem poised to continue doing so for, like, literally forever. Fun fact: prior to being struck with bogus luck, most alleged victims reportedly either a) gave their students an egregious amount of weekend homework, or b) claimed that the Smashing Pumpkins are overrated.

A POSTER + Update on the American High School Experiece

     This week was a very social week. So social, in fact, that I think I may have overshot the end-goal of not being a hermit and accidently become a social butterfly. So, I guess we can consider the dehermitization process a success! High fives all around, team. This a community accomplishment. Anyway, since I don't want to leave the poor posting archive for March in the nude while I finish the next character post, I present to you my Open House poster! My school's Open House happens to have been one of the main events of the aforementioned social week. The theme was "Books: Food for the Brain," and I think I conveyed that quite affectively. Other highlights of the week include, but are not limited to:

• Being rewarded the "Cape of Wonder" and a snazzy bag of candies for my work on the theatre crew, namely my overzealous set design.
• Talking about graphic novels and qustioning the existence of hick-hop with my crewmates while painting boards and such.
• Getting to see a book that was printed before 'Murica was a thing, as part of a cool presentation at Open House.
• Going to Teen Pajama Movie Night on Friday and almost crying in front of my peers while watching Big Hero 6. (You try keeping it together when a boy abandons his puffy robot in a portal, pal. It's not a cake walk.)
•  Winning a cake at the Open House Cake Walk. (Accidentally great segue.)
• Overall continuing to make friends with people I've been going to school with for up to 10 years.
• Eating said cake.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

#270: King Tuplet

     Happy March, everyone! I don't know if I've blabbed about it sufficiently yet, but Wondercon 2017 is coming up at the end of the month! I'm going as my own version of the Joker, so that's bound to be ridiculously fun. Fingers crossed that I'll be able to stand out in the sea of Ledgers and Letos that awaits me. (In a world of Ledgers and Letos, be your own Joker. That's the best advice I can give you.) Now, let's get on with the character. Ladies and gents, King Tuplet! In 1999, while everyone else was busy being disappointed by The Phantom Menace and partying likesaid they would, a team of archeologist found a tomb in the Bygonean Forests. Inside, they found a bona fide treasure trove of scrolls and carvings detailing the lives of four different kings. However, they only found one casket. Awe quickly turned to confusion, but since then, the full story has been unearthed. Those fine folks just so happened to have discovered the final resting place of King Tuplet, the JC-Verse's first and only(?) shapeshifting king! Fearing the reprocussions of going full-conqueror but yearning for his own empire, King Tuplet found a way to put his gods-given gift to good use. Crafting the alternative physical forms of "Sornin the Slender," "Haggert of Erk," and "Bundee the 1st," the morphing monarch slowly seized control of four massive kingdoms, as four different kings. Before long, he'd built one of the greatest empires in all of pre-history--without a single chump being the wiser. That is, until ol' Haggert suffered a fatal blow in battle with Gristbite the Ghastly from the north. When all the other kings went missing simultaneously, that's when people started to get the picture. (You'd think that 3 out of 4 kings always being on "royal retreats" whenever the one left over was doing something important would've been enough of a helpful hint.)

(CLOCKWISE FROM THE BOTTOM: King Tuplet in his natural form, Sornin the Slender, Haggert of Erk, and Bundee the 1st. Feel free to click in order to get a closer look at all the kingliness.)

#269: Pitchy Sesquipedalian

      Salutations! Aloha! Other way of saying hello! I was supposed to be gallivanting across L.A. with my dad today while my mom and sis were at Cookie Con 2017. The whole deal ended up getting switched to tomorrow, though, so today I'm essentially free to be the lazy son-of-a-gun my weekend instincts compel me to be. However, my desire to be productive/inner Phineas Flynn overpowers those instincts, so here we are. Alrighty, let's get to the character. Ladies and gents, Pitchy Sequipedalian! Sucky rappers are in no short supply. In an imperfect world, it's only logical that not every tape that is mixed, nor every rhyme that is spat will truly be "fire." And all you have to do to tell the wannabes from the real deal is to give said rhymes a listen, yes? Maybe in this universe, pal. But in the JC-Verse, one such sucky rapper found a way to cheat that system. Unsuccessfully peddling his tapes on the streets of San Juan Soso, California without a penny to his MC pseudonym, Pitchy Sesquipedalian was dismissed by many people as a hack/con/certifiable loon. Those people happened to be right, but that's besides the point. Because, one fateful evening at Scratch-Daddy Stan's Discount Record Rental®, he stumbled upon something tucked inside a circa-1994 Bombästic Cräftsmen album: a wrecked sheet of paper detailing the "Incantation of Enticed Ears." And just like that, he went from delusional wannabe rapper guy, to delusional wannabe rapper occult practicioner guy. Using the spell to endow his cruddy mixtapes with hypnotic powers, Pitchy became the Pied Piper of putrid rhymes, drawing in a devoted fanbase of listeners/worshiper regardless of the quality of his verses--and now, he intends to bring his work to a larger audience. What that could mean, we can only fear.

(Fun fact: that little trinket hanging from around his neck is a broken old handheld PlayPal from the '90s. He found it abandoned in an alley way and thought it make a great "statement.")

A ROOM.

     Apologies for the recent character delay, but there is an excuse to be had. Two, in fact. Excuse #1 happens to be a secret secret akin to that of one Mr. Roboto, so I can't really use it. Excuse #2, however, is very shareable. One step of my plan to de-hermit-ize myself and take the AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL  EXPERIENCE by its reigns was joining my school's stage crew this year, and we're doing Shrek the Musical in the spring. First order of preparation was creating a mock-up of Fiona's room, and for something created over two drawing sessions and a night/morning of Photoshopping, mine turned out pretty nice.

(Photoshopped but w/out color)

(Photoshopped w/ color)

#268: The Curators

     Guess who's got two thumbs and some inflamed bronchi? *points to thyself* Fear not, it's been three weeks and I'm essentially better at this point, but the cough's still sticking around. But then again, Kubo and the Two Strings is up for the Oscar, so what the heck am I complaining about? Anyways, enough about me. Time for the first official character(s) of 2017: the Curators! Museums are fun. Nowhere else can you see the skull of a neanderthal and have a distinguished animatronic pelican teach you about bird anatomy in the same building. They show you the past, and that lets you predict the future--but when push comes to shove, how efficient is that? Wouldn't it be so much easier on our part if museums cut out the middle man and let us look tomorrow straight in the eye? Agree with it or not, that is the philosophy of the Curators, a class of hyper-intellegent rodentia from the planet Crasifilon. Using their advanced knowledge of 4th dimensional physics and snazzy architecture, they've set up shop on good ol' Planet Earth and founded the Transgalactic Reverse-Museum! Come one, come all, and get an up-close gander at a variety of artifacts, archival footage, art, and more from the future of ANY planet of your choice. Storing up to a thousand years of futurey goodness at a time across its ten floors, the Transgalactic Reverse-Museum has all the charm of time travel, without the risk of becoming a molecular smoothie. Most tickets are usually reserved for worried rulers and heroes from across the cosmos looking to prevent future calamities, but there are still plenty up for grabs. The only fee is the "divine knowledge of the museum's existence," so, you're already set. You're welcome.

(Fun fact: that handy lever in the back is the Century Alternation Switch, which allows you to shift between century-specific sets of rooms without the main hall--or you--moving an inch. Suck on that industrial-sized lemon, elevators.)

A.D. 2017

     A new sensation fills the air. An inexplicable urge to sustain tourism possesses you, and Spider-Man, Thor, Wonder Woman, and a semi-geriatric Wolverine wave at you in the distance. Could it be? Yes, it could. And it is. Because we are now living in the year 2017! *stirring fanfare* We're already a week in, and the year's looking pretty spiffy, all things considered. Also, today's 1/7/17, which I find incredibly entertaining for some reason. Something about number coincidences, dangit. They get me every time. Anyway, now that all that's been established, let's start off the new year with a little 2016 send off that I whipped up. Made me pretty proud going through my year in posting to make it. Farewell 2016, and here's to the next 358 days of making the world a weirder place! Hasta la pasta!

ABOUT THE JC-VERSE: U.N.D.E.R.O.O.

     Merry belated Christmas, ya festive Philberts and Fionas! I hope that the big 12/25 treated each of you to a handsome amount of merriment to carry you through Boxing Day and beyond. Bravo, 2016. You were a little shoddy throughout, but your Christmas was pretty dang swell. Now, with the aid of some page-scrolling and brief finger counting, you'll find that the 12 Creationz of Christmas doesn't seem very finished. 9 posts doesn't exactly equal 12 creationz, so what gives? Well, I originally did plan to do the expected 12 posts. But, as rapid present wrapping for the sis, an early no-peeking Eve bedtime, and the Christmas Day festivities themselves seized my attention, I couldn't manage to squeeze them in. But don't fret, my post-Christmas comrades. Because throughout the entirety of the 12CofC, I was holding a wild card close to my chest. A post I kept pushing off because of how long it had to be. A post that just so happens to include all those drawings of distinguishedly-dressed gents from the torso-up that I promised you guys. And given the number of said drawings it contains, this post has enough certified creations to more than cap off those 12. So, while we may be a day past the deadline, it's time to wrap up this holly jolly jamboree once and for all. Ladies and gents, I give you the latest installment of "About the JC-Verse!" This time, we'll be covering the JC-Verse's most prominent and unconvetional agency, and the thing I've probably mentioned more than anything else on this blog: U.N.D.E.R.O.O.
     So, first off, what exactly is U.N.D.E.R.O.O., besides a government organization that shares its monicer with the underwear that's fun to wear? Well, the agency isn't exactly the type of establishment that you can sum up in a pithy, Twitter-friendly format. It's got a history to behold. But, to start things off easy, let's get into some

                                         TRIVIAL FACTS!

• U.N.D.E.R.O.O. is kind of a big deal. It is the JC-Verse's most powerful and widely-spanning government agency, having its ever-present feelers spread out across the entire globe.
• It was founded in 1902 by high-ranking U.S. general Julius Spyser and accomplished inventor Isaac Jostlewick. (If you want more deets on exactly how that founding went down, I covered it in a post way back in the olden days.)
•  Its purpose is, as originally stated by Jostlewick, "to act as the first line of defense against any mutated, unearthly or otherwise anomalous foe to threaten humankind, and the first to make sense of any instance across the globe that stands out as kooky or bizarre." In other words, if there's something strange in your neighborhood, no need to call Bill Murray and his colorful crew of friends. U.N.D.E.R.O.O.'s got your back.
• U.N.D.E.R.O.O.'s duties are spread out among its 13 divisions: *inhales* Field, Weapons, Tech, Science, Security, Space, Extraterrestrial Communications, Diplomacy, Medical, Fantastical Lifeform Surveillance, Research and Development, Holiday, and Ninja. (Oh, how I wish I was joking about those last two.)
• Ever since its inception, U.N.D.E.R.O.O. has always had two directors jointly running the show. With one rare exception, it's always been the case that one of those directors is from the Spyser family, while the other is from the Jostlewick family. Call it nepotism, call it watered-down monarchy, but after over a hundred years, you can't debate its success.

     With each passing pair of head honchos, U.N.D.E.R.O.O. has seen a very different era of its history, each with its own specific goals and struggles. Some . . . have been better than others. I don't aim to waste too much of your potential boxing time on JC-Verse history class, so I'll try to keep things brief-ish. Let's get into it.

THE "GOLDEN AGE" - ISAAC & JULIUS

     Duration: 1902-1937
     Crud-hits-the-fan-ometer: .5

     Prior to their partnership, Jostlewick and Spyser were the last two guys you'd peg as future life-long partners. To be honest, the only thing the stoic general and eccentric tinkerer had in common was their glorious, mustachioed mugs. But sure enough, in 1902, the duo founded the Universal Network Determining Events of Rather Odd Origins, aiming to do their darnedest to keep the fantastical side of JC-Earth in check and under wraps. Under the two gents' leadership, the organization focused its first 35 years on wrangling the free-roaming mutants left over from the genetic manipulation trend of the steampunk era. U.N.D.E.R.O.O.'s Golden Age also saw a number of snazzy side-projects under Jostlewick's guidance, most notably the creation of the living alloy "Seth" for use against future larger-than-life threats. It was all pretty much blue skies during this era, so I think that's pretty much it.

THE "SILVER AGE" - VERNON & RORY

     Duration: 1939-1965
     Crud-hits-the-fan-ometer: 5

     After Julius' passing in 1937, followed by Isaac's two years later, the reigns of U.N.D.E.R.O.O. were handed over to the pair's respective sons, Rory Spyser and Vernon Jostlewick. Unlike his characteristically stoic pappy and predecessor, Rory was . . . a character. Think Teddy Roosevelt, with a healthy dash of Grunkle Stan from Gravity Falls. The guy did what he wanted to, and when he did it, he did it with unapologetic gusto. So, when the UFO epidemic kicked off with the infamous Roswell crash in 1947, Rory ran headfirst into what would eventually be nicknamed the "UFO Wars." Moving the agency's H.Q. to the newly-built "Honcho House" and its neighboring army base outside D.C., Rory started training agents to take on the so-called "Greys." Meanwhile, his part-time personal conscience Vernon dedicated his time to getting info out of the only (known) Roswell survivor, specimen #0898. Also known as Sheryl. All this wartime hullabaloo didn't amount to much outside of some victories for Rory's men--and a controversial attempt to teleport a crew of cosmonauts to the Grey's home planet in '65. Until . . .

THE "BRONZE AGE" - AL & JONATHAN

   
     Duration: 1967-1982
     Crud-hits-the-fan-ometer: 3.5

     After his personal conscience passed away, Rory was far too up in his years to helm U.N.D.E.R.O.O. all on his own. So, Vernon's kindhearted son Al stepped in as the next Jostlewick director, in order to watch over Rory. After he finally died, Jonathan Spyser joined Al to form the organization's third generation directorial duo. With Rory's gung-ho war efforts having mostly missed the mark, and Vernon's cosmonauts' return looking pretty unlikely, the business-minded new Spyser decided to forge his own path. He concluded that the key to beating out the aliens plaguing the U.S. of A.'s skies and cattle ranches was to turn their focus inward. So, in the years that followed, U.N.D.E.R.O.O. got a makeover. A prep academy was founded to shape youngins into ideal agents, a new Mars teleportation program called Barren I began not even a year after NASA's moon landing, and a brand new agency mascot was introduced. That last one didn't go over too well, but all-in-all, his plans were successful. Things seemed to be going pretty good for Jonathan's "home makeover" method, and the "UFO War" was starting to go in the agency's favor. But alas, call up M. Night Shyamalan because before long, there was a twist. Come 1978, the cosmonauts returned, and gave a more-than-sparkling review of their extended stay at el casa de Grey. This didn't have that much of an affect on Jonathan's game plan, as he fell sick and faced an untimely death soon after in '82. But its repercussions were very much felt in . . .

THE "PLATINUM AGE" - AL & ROBERT

     Duration: 1985-1993
     Crud-hits-the-fan-o-meter: 1

     Half-way through the '80s and going into what would become known as the Platinum Age, U.N.D.E.R.O.O. had a lot of stuff to consider - and they needed a strong new Spyser to help consider them. So, keeping with traditon, Jonathan's son Phil was selected to step up to bat alongside an elderly Al. Unfortunately, Phil just so happened to be a deadbeat, so they went with his son Robert instead. Robert, luckily, was not a deadbeat. In fact, while his bloodline had previously offered up two generals and a businessman, Robert was something decidedly refreshing: a diplomat. And having come of age in the '60s, he was open to a certain philosophy that none of the previous Spysers had considered: peace. Say it with me now, peace. So, inviting a high-ranking group of Greys to Fort Triplock in Nevada, Robert and Al offered up some terms of peace and, through some translator-aided negotiation and firm tridactyl-to-pentadactyl handshakes, made them a reality. Finally, in 1988, the longstanding UFO War came to a close, and U.N.D.E.R.O.O. for the first time started to consider a more hospitable stance on fantastical lifeforms. Yadda yadda, peace on earth, good times all around.

THE "MODERN AGE" - HUGO & ROBERT 

     Duration: 1993-2012
      Crud-hits-the-fan-ometer: .5

     When Al finally passed on, the "Golden Spyser" found his new peace-maintaining partner in Hugo, a genial Jostlewick with a mustache rivaling that of his great-grandpappy. With the unorthodox organization still on good terms with the Greys, thanks to the "Truce at Triplock," efforts started being directed towards dealing with a more varied array of lifeforms, including those like the Hexaplexahedron. The duo began spiffing up the agency's structure for the 21st Century with the introduction of the Security Division and the computerized Fantastical Lifeform Logs. With the exception of a war scare in 2005, in which a certain son-of-a-gun by the name of Smart Alek unsuccessfully tried to conquer Earth (a story for another time, take my word for it), things were pretty calm for the ol' Universal Network Determining Events of Rather Odd Origins. Very calm. Too calm. Because all the while U.N.D.E.R.O.O. was exercising its new role as a global keeper of peace, one leftover lieutenant from Smart Alek's failed army had been locked up, and everyday, was carefully plotting his escape. I wish the Modern Age was where it stopped, folks. I really did. But sure enough . . .

THE "DARK AGE" - ROBERT AND THE MAN


      Duration: 2012-present
      Crud-hits-the-fan-o-meter: 10

    Once the stray lieutenant got to Hugo, he had him killed. I won't go into how for the sake of not tainting any of the holly jolly seasonal spirit you've still got in you, but as you can probably gather, it wasn't pretty. With Jostlewick out of the way, the lieutenant approached Robert with a proposition. He wanted to rule, and he was pretty darn sure that the Golden Spyser wanted to live. He was right to assume that much. Because, when he was offered a choice of the realization of both of those wishes or neither, Robert chose the former. That lieutenant was named Bikar'Lek of Glimmorrius, and starting in 2012, he has been the one and only true director of U.N.D.E.R.O.O. With Robert as his powerless public puppet, he has dedicated his rule over the agency to conquering the JC-Verse, using the guise of Project Doorway to achieve his fallen master's vision one planet at a time. And with such a wicked goal for his government power, there's only one title that really suits him. Not director. Not watered-down monarch. But "the Man."


     Well, I think that's more than enough JC-Verse history class for one day. I feel kinda bad ending this session on such a grim note. Just know that things do eventually work out for the unorthodox agency. I'll stay mum for now on how exactly that happens, just in case I ever want to adapt U.N.D.E.R.O.O. into an animated series or something of the like. But regardless, it happens. It's not a quick process, but it happens. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the 12 Creationz of Christmas! It didn't exactly go as planned, but to heck with that! Here at Jacob's Characterz! we never give up. And if not giving up requires me to write the last post of the 12CofC on and off on Christmas Day until 3 AM and post it on Boxing Day, that's what I've gotta do. And that's exactly what I did. Don't worry, I slept in until past noon, so I made up for it. I hope you all had a fantastic December celebrating what it is that you celebrate, take care, and I'll see you in 2017! Hasta la pasta!