#185 & #186: Sid & Fruffer

     ANT MAN IS OUT TODAY!!!!!!!! I hope the mysterious end scene lives up to all the hype *cough* Spider-Man *cough* or I will be very disappointed. Okay, now onto my new-ish characters: Sid & Fruffer! Life-long friendships can begin in the weirdest of places. In this case, that weird place is a dumpster outside of Peto's Restaurant/Superstore. Canadian-American slacker extreme Sid Clatowski found Fruffer while diving for trash treasures when he was 10, and the two have been inseparable ever since. While they may lack in traditional smarts, the duo have reached unfathomable levels on Quasar Crushers and are straight-up experts on unseen monsters like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster. Not to mention they're probably the main reason Pizza Hut is in business. Plus, it would appear their years of underachieving payed off in spades since they're now official sidekicks/comic relief to Zowie Cowy. They're kinda like Bill and Ted if Ted had fleas. Most excellent! *air guitar solo*

#184: Remi: Multiversal Lord of the Fangirls

     Ladies and gentlemen, Remi, multiversal lord of the fangirls! Long ago, Remi Roberts was an average specimen of the fangirl species (feminam obsessium), writing bizarre fanfics based on non-canonical web shippings, and pinning everything with Peeta in it. Then it happened. The incident. The one where her laptop was endowed with the powers of summoning and utilizing any character across the fandom spectrum, also known as the GRRRCC. (That stands for John Green, J.K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, Veronica Roth, Suzanne Collins and Benedict Cumberbatch, because you fangirls would kill me if I left him out of this post.) Atop her trusty steed, Hiddles the Horse, this somewhat anime-haired hero fights the Society of Selfie-Taking Popular People, and their maniacal plot to conquer the planet in 140 characters or less. (Special thanks to my sister for giving me all I needed to know on the world of fangirls, from Superwholocks to the oddity of Drapple. Props, sis.)

(No, I did not get the idea for Hiddles from a fever dream.)

#183: Inspector Snoopabout Cranston

     Yesterday, I went to my sister's Ugly Duckling ballet at a big old fancy theater. She played one of the bluejays throwin' some serious shade at the titular duckling. Anyway, time for my new character: Inspector Snoopabout Cranston! Sometimes a mystery is so hard to solve that boring old logic must be thrown out the window and absolute absurdity must be employed. But besides Mabel Pines and Richard Castle, who do you call when you need pure silly person logic for the job? Why, Snoopabout Cranston of the Agency of Bumbling Sleuths, of course! With a ridic demeanor present from his bendy legs up to his stache, this defective detective is the best the agency can offer. To request his services, call his number now! Literally, call out the number 7 and the guy just drops from the sky right next to you. Told ya. Best in his field.

(Eat your heart out, Clouseau.)

#182: Darrell the Hiking Viking

     Now that I've taken a break from speculating about how an Avengers/X-Men movie could make canonical sense, here's my new character: Darrell. Yeah, he's a hiking viking. How exactly does a sea-dwelling viking end up traveling by foot across the foresty yonder, you ask? If his boat gets ripped apart by a certain jerky sea monster, that's how. Large aquatic beasts have no regard for other people's property. With no choice but to trek by land, Darrell found himself on a journey of self discovery, deeply pondering if there was a better way to life than trading and raiding. They may be Scandinavian heathens, but they can be deep if they want to, man. They've got brains under those pointy horned hats.

Bunny: "Uh . . . are you the new bear that just moved in down the path, or . . ."

#181: Nate Pate: Fantastical Lifeform

     #181. Awesome. Ah, how a simple palindrome can light up your day! Now, for a new character: Nate Pate. There are plenty of different types of Fantastical Lifeforms in the JC-Verse. There are Mutants, Avatars, Animalanders, whatever the heck this guy is, etc. But some times, it's just an average human born with unearthly powers. Enter this winged wonder. Nate Pate, 26 years of age, was basically a human dragon, equipped with wings, retractable claws, and a fire-breathing reflex. Imagine what high school was like for the kid. But his father, Marshall Pate, didn't judge him like many did to FLs at the time, and loved him dearly. With powers like those, the music-loving young man had the potential to become a hero for the ages - until he was recruited for the Zuax mission. He and his assigned team were abandoned by the agency on said mission, being left to surely die in the dangerous Zuax Dimension. I know. Downer. But who says a dimension deadly to the average person couldn't be inhabited by a non-average person? Hmmm. Possibilities . . .

#180: Aladdin: Year 2120

     Okay, time for an idea I've been toying around with for a while now: Aladdin, year 2120! (You're welcome, fan theorists.) Everyone knows the classic Disney tale of a street rat, a princess, and a blue impersonator with cramped living conditions. It's one of the best things made in the '90s besides "Taco Grande" by Weird Al and, according to my sister, Josh Hutcherson. It's hard for people to imagine Aladdin any other way. So I did it for you. Enter hoverboard carpets and genetically engineered monkeys! After infiltrating a top-secret facility known as the Cave, homeless young Aladdin acquires GENIE, an artificial intelligence system imbedded in an itty-bitty lamp. With the program able to instantly materialize anything, Al makes himself a loaded politician in order to nab the attention of Jasmine, sheltered daughter of the techy Agrabah district's governor. Aladdin has all the power in the world - but if sinister Jafar and his genetically altered parrot have anything to say about it, said power won't be his for long. *dramatic score*

#179: Tortoise

     Happy 4th of July, people of the interwebs! So far, today has been a day of Saturday Night Live, Twilight Zone and stuffing our faces. Yep, America is great. Okay, time for a new character: Tortoise! 66-year-old UNDEROO agent Marshall Pate was a man of black and white beliefs when it came to "the man." So when his son, highly gifted FL (Fantastical Lifeform) Nate Pate, was offered to take part in an UNDEROO mission to the Zuax Dimension, Marshall figured he was in good hands. But his beliefs were then flipped on their heads. When the mission was completed, the agency abandoned Nate and the other FLs in Zuax. That's when Marshall lost it. Furious at the agency and especially its leader Robert Spyser, the high-ranking field agent stole a highly experimental "shell" of living metal from the lab and took off to the rough climate outside the base. The Tortoise was born. Fun fact: this oldie renegade ranks #3 on the UNDEROO most wanted list. Dude made the top 3! Can he get a WHAT WHAAAT?!

BADDIE-BOWL: A WINNER HAS BEEN WINNERATIZED

     Callooh callay! The official Bad-Off Baddie-Bowl champion has been chosen! It was a toughy. Blows a plenty were thrown. But ZOO'OZ, the putrid and powerful Doom Lord of Quazen'abi, has beaten out Vacuum Jack for the title of BADDEST! *triumphant music* Vac tried his worst, but it would've been hard for any villain to dethrone such a horned and horrendous dictator. Props, Z-man. Props indeed. As the metaphorical sun sets on the Bad-Off battlefield, we say adiós to the competition until it rears it's awesomely ugly head once again. Toon in next season for the Jacob's Characterz! BAD-OFF! Bad-Off. bad-off. bad-off. bad-off. PS, apologies for not giving the video that was promised. Production fell through. But fear not, for ZOO'Oz isn't ending this thing with a simple "see ya later." He'll be in his own victory video . . .